Do you say yes when you really want to say no?
Do you say yes even if it may cause you upset, discomfort, or financial or emotional harm?
If so, you’re among a vast group of women who want to please others and struggle with setting or upholding healthy boundaries.
You want to be liked, and you worry that saying no will disappoint others, and they won’t like you.
I know just how it feels. I’m a recovering yes-aholic.
The need to please is often rooted in childhood. It comes from the deep desire children have to please their caregivers. It’s important to recognize that survival is the ultimate motivation behind the desire to please. Immature child minds reason that if their caregivers are happy, they will care for them, and they (the child) will live. If the caregivers are unhappy, they will withdraw or express displeasure causing the child to feel abandoned and her perception of survival threatened. Many of us are still moved by this old wiring.
For some women (men, too), disapproval is almost unbearable.
Thankfully, as adults, we can see this dynamic clearly and let go of the need to please. Our survival does not depend on pleasing others. In fact, it’s far more likely to depend on us making intelligent choices and upholding healthy boundaries so that we can invest our energy in life-enhancing activities.
Another barrier to saying no is worrying about what others might think. Here’s what you need to know:
–The people who love you love you, and they want you to make the best decisions for your life.
–The people who love you only when you do what they want are teachers here to motivate you to set healthy boundaries.
–You don’t know what other people think. You’re thinking for them.
–What YOU think of YOU matters more than anything anyone else thinks.
Consider the following questions:
What do you think of yourself when you go against your true desires? What do you think of yourself when you fill up your time with things that prevent you from doing what really matters to your life? What do you think of you when you can’t trust yourself to only make decisions that improve your life?
And here’s another good one:
When you meet someone who is happily in control of their commitments, joyfully agreeing to the things they choose, and graciously declining unwanted requests, what do you think of them?
I respect and admire them for living on purpose. I also feel comfort and ease because when they say yes, I can count on them to show up eager and content to be there.
I have little confidence in someone who goes against their own desires.
If you’ve struggled with setting boundaries, you can choose to end that era right now. You can choose to love, honor and support yourself.
How you treat yourself teaches others how to treat you.
Setting boundaries does not mean being rude, selfish, or acting like a jerk. It is a generous act that results in less stress, increased happiness, and more time for what matters most to you.
The next time someone:
–asks to stay at your house, and you don’t want them to
–asks for a loan $___ (btw, never make a loan, make it a secret gift, if you can’t gift it, don’t loan it)
–calls you incessantly to wear you down
–attempts to guilt you into doing something you don’t want
–solicits for the greatest cause ever
–hard sells you on what you don’t want
–you get the idea . . .
Remind yourself: It’s okay to say NO.
Next, kindly and firmly—using as few words as possible and little to no explanation—decline the request, set a boundary, or offer what you are willing to do.
If it makes it easier, use words like unable, can’t, or say you have other plans. It’s okay.
If you must, silently finish your boundary-setting statement with your truth: I cannot let you stay at my house (without feeling unhappy with myself).
Imagine all of the things you could enjoy, accomplish, and avoid if you said NO whenever you wanted to say it.
Everyone with a life you admire has learned this vital skill. It’s your turn.
Begin today. Leave me a comment and tell me one or two things you’re going to flex your NO muscles on.
Thank you Cynthia, this post really teaches me to listen to my inner voice, to tune in to my desires. I would not quite call it an inner voice, but rather a life-path, maybe the sense of life. Thank you again.
Hi Lovely! You know I support you completely. 🙂
Hi 🙂 This is such a delightful moment when you write back, when you comment, just knowing that you are there and say that you support opens up a channel of beautiful energy flow. Thank you for that Cynthia and thank you for creating this space for us here. It is really wonderful to be here. I wish you all the best. Luiza
The funny thing is Luiza, I love to respond and in the beginning always did and then I started saying yes to too much and didn’t have time to reply to comments. It’s by saying NO to things that I don’t need to be doing that I can reply to all comments here now 🙂 “NO” POWER!
Perfect timing! Sometimes with family, my two sisters specifically, I say “yes” or “I can” before I actually realize what is really happening. I get myself pulled back into some unhealthy drama between THEM. I need a repetitive plan of action to thwart this in the future because I end up feeling tricked and angry. Can you recommend a simple, effective “go to strategy” so when this happens again, I recognize it and say I CAN’T immediately? My sincere thanks!
Very good Dawn! I had that same experience when I first became aware of wanting to say no. My strategy was to NEVER say yes (unless I knew I really wanted it) until later. So I would say: I can’t answer you yet, I need to look over my commitments, calendar, plan etc. I had to interrupt my hardwired pattern. Try it. Let me know how it works for you. <3
“No”, what a powerful word for just two little letters. I grew up with “The Donna Reed Show”, “Father Knows Best”, and “Lassie” to name a few. Each female character in each show played a submissive role; never thinking of themselves, they lived though their families, it seemed to be their sole identity. The word “No”, seldom passed their lips and when it did it was buffered with “Let me talk to your father” or “Wait till your Father hears about this.”
I tried for too many years to conform to this empty persona. I married, had a child, attended a Pentecostal Church religiously and had dinner on the table every night at 5:00 pm. I was miserable to say the least.
When my mother passed over, she left me with 30K, not much these days, but it was enough back then for me to gain the financial support to say “NO” this is not who I am. The money was important because I was a stay at home wife and mother and I had no money to completely call my own.
I am presently coming into a new stage/awareness in my life which is pushing me to use this tiny little word, “NO” because if I do not employ its strength goals that are important to me will never happen.
As women, we all need to evoke the power of this little word a lot more often. “No” is a powerful sword that cuts through a lot of tangled untruths caught up in our beliefs about ourselves.
Namaste
I completely agree Kim. It’s really nice to be free. Love to you and great blessings. What a lovely gift your mother’s money gave you. 🙂
Love to you Cynthia and great blessings back. Your school sounds fabulous, I wish you nothing but great success!
Gosh this is my biggest struggle saying no! I never thought so deeply into and have at times accepted the feeling if discomfort by saying yes thinking I don’t want to be selfish. This blog gives me such peace and new direction.
Hello Ladies, perhaps one of you could give me a hint how to add my photo next to my post. Where do I need to log in to do that? Thank you ! Luiza
ha! I did it by joining Disqus 🙂
I’m working on this. I have a hard time saying no to people, but when I need something there isn’t anyone to help me usually. I think it is Danielle LaPorte that says if it isn’t a hell yes then it is a no:)