In relationships, I live by the mantra, “Lasting relationships are a series of compromises.”
The type of compromises we must make to create successful, lasting relationships vary widely. From little compromises that revolve around responsibilities, housekeeping and task management to significant concessions made around sex, children, family and finances.
Successful compromise lies in the willingness and ability to see our partner’s gain and happiness as benefit to your marriage, rather than a win for them and a loss for you. Too many couples get caught up in competition and sibling-rivalry type conflict where “tit for tat” and score keeping take over.
If we could weigh the energy and effort each party puts into our relationships, on any given day, we would observe that relationships are never fair, equal or balanced. They are perpetually influenced by the ever changing challenges, energy, moods, needs, successes and failures inherent in life. They can’t be even, in any given moment, but they can be overall.
For example, if a partner (spouse, child, parent, friend etc) encounters a crisis and we are required to support and care for them, it can appear that 90% or more of the energy and effort being contributed to the relationship is coming from us. Later, we may be the one requiring an inordinate amount of attention, care or support. The ability to count on this exchange and its seeming unevenness is the glue that holds relationships together, builds genuine trust and solid foundations. When looked at over the years, these relationships do appear balanced and even.
Many relationships fail to survive these swings. When trouble arises, rather than compromise, give more, and trust that this too shall pass, many people “look out for number one” and move on in search of something better. The thing is we’re all living life and every person will have dark days, so “on to the next one” ends up being “on to the next one” again and again.
THE CAVEAT
When misunderstood, compromise can mask what is really self destruction. Having a child, getting married, making a large purchase, having cosmetic surgery, breaking off ties with family etc. solely because your partner wants you to is not compromise; it is self destruction.
Compromise is NOT self destruction. When contemplating making a concession for the benefit of your relationship, ask yourself: Will this action or effort harm me? If the answer is yes, it is not compromise and you have no business considering it.
Beneath the skills required to create successful relationships, must lie a true and genuine love and regard for our partner.
Love does not harm.
~ Cynthia
Hi Collin: Thanks for your comment. I removed it because at the end of the relationship test you posted was a requirement that one give their email address to receive the results. I am not a fan of that type of marketing and I try to avoid it. However, I visited your blog (http://laughter-collin.blogspot.com/) and enjoyed a few good laughs. Thank you!Cynthia
Hi Cynthia,
You are so very much right on target. I wish I had understood this compromise issue about seven years ago. I fell madly in love with a man who swept me off my feet. I learned so many wonderful things from him, but after a few months I realized everything was one-sided. Nothing that mattered to me was even remotely in his realm of desire. One day I asked him if we could compromise on an issue. It was an insignificant issue, but his reaction shocked and appalled me. He state very emphatically “I never compromise on anything.” If you don’t like it–there’s the door. I laughed and brushed it off because the door he was referring to was the front door of my house. Unfortunately, I didn’t take the very large hint and spent the next five years losing myself one big step at a time. He walked out on me eventually (thank all that is loving!) and it took me a while to get my antenna pointed back in the right direction. Looking back now I can’t even understand why I let that statement pass, let alone why I stuck around for so much longer. The one thing I can be grateful for is that the experience has shown me exactly how valuable I am and that I will never settle for anything but true, genuine love and regard from a partner again. A relationship may never be balanced, but it should always be a partnership with give and take. Thank you for your wonderful messages.
Laura
Laura!
What a teacher he was. THANK GOD you are an awake, aware and eager learner. Your experience was wrenching to live through, I imagine. I am SO grateful you got through it with yourself and your life in tact and ready to LIVE.
Bless you.
Cynthia