When They Show You Who They Are – Believe Them–Maya Angelou
Many people in my life are grappling with the same major problem. From my friend who was mortified to discover that another “friend”, one with a history of stealing, went behind her back and attempted to take a job from her, to a man who is devastated to discover that his girlfriend is cheating on him again, to the friend who married a positively charming gentleman mistakenly believing that the hostile rampages he directed at his mother and former girlfriends could never be aimed at her; selective blindness is rampant. In each of these instances, the “victims” were genuinely stunned and hurt by their counterpart’s behavior. They shouldn’t have been; they were warned.
The victims (I have a problem calling them victims) believed the bad behavior of an ally (i.e. gossiping, cheating, lying, mocking, criticizing, etc.) directed at another would never be turned onto them. They thought their relationship was different, their love was deeper, they were more special. This is always a mistake. Relationships are continuously in flux. There are days of peace and contentment and those of cold distance. One relationship may contain more of one state than another, but even the very best relationships have trying moments. No one escapes. In those low moments, when the sweetness turns bitter, we all demonstrate our worst behaviors. In some relationships, people behave poorly even at the best of times.
The way people behave with others tells us who they are and what we can expect from them, for better or worse. Our job as self-parent, protector and lover is to believe them. This doesn’t mean that we must do anything, necessarily. It means that we have been given clear notice and should be prepared to receive the same treatment at some point in our relationship. If the behavior is kind, we should note that and celebrate our good fortune. If the behavior is poor but minor, we may choose to accept it. When it is soul-crushing and destructive, the universe has handed us the gift of precognition, we must take it and act accordingly.
Most suffering at the hands, deeds or words of another could have been avoided if we’d believed what they showed us, the first time.
I hear ya and agree. Just because you have not been bitten yet, who are you and why are you different? Your bite will come. Steer clear. Caution is advised. Good point.
My Beloved Best Friend,I couldn't help but re-live my hurt short time ago with a friend that I truly thought would have my back but proved otherwise. She hurt me very deeply many times and I experienced the selective recognition of the problem more often that I should have, by choice of course. However, as time heals all wounds, I reflected on the experiences and I clearly see how when you trust God in your life, He orchestrates our destiny in such a way, that you have to take the lesson and thank Him for the opportunity. Through it, I learned love and forgiveness but clearly learned that “When people show you who they are, Believe them.” I do hope to keep guard and be careful. Thank you for your great insight. You are brilliant!!
Ms. Smart:I love to read your comments and blog (http://bemorefancy.blogspot.com/) because you are so succinct (and who could resist being more fancy). Spot on. Thank you.Cynthia
Rabab:I'm always ruffled when someone hurts you, but I know you have everything you need to navigate the most treacherous situations. Also, that inside line to God you've always had keeps you safe and living in love.Bless you, my best friend.Cynthia
I agree fully, went through it myself with my ex room mate. it was a nightmare
These are really wise words…thanks Cynthia.I'm reminded of the breakup of my last relationship, and the heartbreak coming not so much from the actual loss, but from the realization that to stay would be foolishness.I saw how she lied to all her friends, and just as often, to herself…and when she lied to me, as trivial as it was on the surface, I realized there was no future there.There's a saying I heard that touches a similar thread: "Rejection is God's protection."
Hi Jeff:Your comment came at the perfect time. A friend I love to pieces is grappling with the end of a bad relationship and she's hurting a lot. I just sent her the saying, "Rejection is God's protection." It absolutely is, but it sure is difficult to see that when you're immersed in it all.Happy to hear from you.Cynthia
So very true. I've seen this time and again. Even knowing that how someone has treated another will one day happen to you, doesn't hurt any less, but at least you aren't surprised when it does.