Think you’re the only one who feels jealous sometimes?
It was a normal Wednesday morning. I woke up in the home I’ve built–surrounded by flowers, trees, three dogs, a kitten, and a family of people for whom I’d give my life. The sun was shining and the stifling heat wave that recently overcame Los Angeles had lifted. I felt healthy, pleasantly sore from yesterday’s yoga class, and eager to get started on a day of recording the audio version of the 7 Steps to Manifesting Your Heart’s Desires.
I am free. I chart my own course, work for myself, and spend my life doing what I love to do. This is everything I’ve wanted.
An uninvited guest joined me that morning. I sat down at my computer and saw that a woman who does work similar to mine was traveling to Capri for an event she’s hosting for women entrepreneurs. Another woman in my field just landed a co-host role on an uplifting AM radio show with syndication. My friend, Lubna Salah (pictured above), decided that life is for living and now is the time, so she packed up and went to Bali.
A heavy, matted, uncomfortable sensation settled in my belly. The day ahead didn’t feel as bright anymore. The blessings that surround and pervade my life receded into grayness and an idealized vision of each woman’s life burst into vibrant color. I was jealous.
I want to be in Capri, I want to do national radio, I want to submerge myself in life, in Bali. Why not me? Why don’t I have/do this? In what ways are they so much better than me to get these things?
Ah, that question did it. It marked my departure from the realm of sane inquiry and my ego’s entrance.
Thankfully, I’ve done this work long enough to recognize the ego’s sabotaging strategies. It begins with seemingly innocent inquiries that are soon laden with presumptions–like why are they better than me–and by answering, you tacitly agree with the question’s premise and your powerlessness. Your agreement makes the thought true for you and slowly it devours your self-image. Left unchecked, you’ll be feeling like a loser before the morning’s out. It’s slick slope and we’ve all slid down it.
My strategy for grappling with anything undesirable is to ask:
–What is the opportunity here?
–What is this here to teach me?
–What would I need to be/have to handle this with grace and mastery?
These alchemical questions transmute every perceived negative into an opportunity for learning and growth.
Applying them to the jealous blob of goo in my center revealed a powerful insight:
Jealousy is the projection of negative feelings derived from the recognition of our deepest desires coupled with a (false) belief that we can’t have them–it’s not about the person you’re feeling jealousy toward–it’s about you.
My feelings of jealousy had nothing to do with the women in the scenarios. The crux of my upset was from the recognition of my desire coupled with the belief that I can’t have/do what they’re doing. I can.
I could be in Capri or Bali, granted not simultaneously, tomorrow if I chose to be. It wouldn’t be convenient and would necessitate foregoing the projects I’m working on, and require me to make arrangements for the care of my responsibilities–not easy, but possible. I’ve made choices that align with my greatest desires (like being a mother who’s home after school) and these choices supersede my desire to travel, right now, but children grow up and I’ll get to Bali and Capri soon enough. As far as national radio goes, if I choose to make this a goal and take consistent and intelligent action toward it (like get an agent, edit my reel, send it out), I’ll get one.
The opportunity in feeling jealous is to reveal what you really want, acknowledge that it’s possible for you, and to give you the opportunity to say yes, no, or not now, to it. It’s a call to focus on what you desire and to decide what you’re going to do about it.
This applies as much to career/vacation envy as it does to material, romantic, and superficial jealousy. The next time you find yourself jealously fixating on an individual, white them out and look at what it is about them that you want for your life. Examine whether it’s really your heart’s desire or something you were conditioned to want. If it’s your genuine desire, put a plan together–hire a coach if you need help–and go for it.
The world is wide open to those who believe it is–anything is possible for you. Believe.
What’s your heart’s desire? Leave me a comment and tell me what you’re going to do about it.
I want to leave the practice of law Cynthia. I just don’t know how. What will I do? What will people say? My heart is broken and I feel trapped. Your words give me hope. Things will change for me. They must. Soon. xo
Elizabeth,
YES! I get so excited when I feel the energy of life moving and calling one to breakthrough. Don’t throw yourself into the wilderness by futurizing every challenge and struggle. Walk as though you know you aren’t alone. You aren’t. What will you do? What an awesome question. What do you love to do that you’re good at? Write it all down. Then go back and ask what will people pay for? What problem does this solve? The answers already exist. You just have to discover them. When you do, take consistent steps and be gentle with yourself.
Now, what will people think? DON’T GET ME STARTED!! Here’s an excerpt from my radio show about that:
“Don’t take a job you hate for the big payoff at the end – you might take a job you don’t love as a temporary bridge to another, but never build a career solely around the payoff-remember the tone of your life is set by the moments – make them wonderful for you.
And do you know what holds women back the most from doing this? – What holds them back from living a life that’s aligned with their truth and deepest desires? It so often comes down to worrying: what will they think of me? What if they don’t approve of me? Or like me?
Listen to me – really listen, there are a few angles to address here:
First – THEY don’t exist the way you think they do – all of those people you’ve been living your life for – you know the “what will they thinks”?
You’ve molded them into what they are- They’re mutated figments of your imagination – what I mean is that we take people from our childhood, our life and the world, we group them up, play a skewed scenario about us at our worst, and then put negative words about us in their mouths. – it’s a fantasy – you are creating what they think – and then believing it.
The truth is you don’t know what people are thinking, you don’t – I love those classes where they have someone stand in front of the class and then ask the class what they think the person is thinking -you are never right – even with your own friends
–
You don’t know what people are thinking, but the bigger truth is IT DOESN’T MATTER what they’re thinking – whatever time they spend fussing over you is time they aren’t devoting to their own life which can ALWAYS use their attention.
If you do come across someone who criticizes or disapproves of you, don’t let it get to you – most often it’s like someone wearing rose tinted glasses calling you pink – it doesn’t make you pink – they are seeing you through their experiences, fears, judgments and doubts – they’re telling you their story, not yours. Have some compassion for them and stop feeding them your energy. If it gets out of hand, don’t hesitate in setting a boundary.
This is your life and it’s very important that you create the freedom to live it your way – right now.”
LOVE & HUGS to you sister. This is the beginning. Give in and go for it. If you haven’t yet, read my book, Resurrecting Venus – it will wake you up and walk you through this.
C
Thank you, C.
Uh that’s funny Cynthia because I look at all the things you do and have I’m envious. lol Sidenote: didn’t you have an radio show that you chose to end. 😉
Cheryl,
That’s just how it is because when we look at another’s life through the eyes of desire we only see the good stuff. I love my life, yes, but there are so many challenges and a steady diet of discomfort as I follow my dreams.
I did leave the Hay House Radio Show. It was a wonderful show, but once a week on a very inconvenient day and time and it stopped me from taking the steps I need to now. My desire for a national syndicated show isn’t on my list at the moment, but when I look at it through the eyes of desire (meaning there are no challenges or sacrifices) I love the idea. I’ll take a more serious look at that soon.
Love to you and may we both have more of our deepest and truest desires while being surrounded by grace and ease <3
C
I felt jealousy a week ago when a lady I knew traveled to New York for four days. It was a horrid feeling and strange too because I was so happy for her at the same time which made me feel bad. I want to travel sooo badly but I don’t have a job right now. I am new to the LOA so I am sill unsure how it works, I would love to work in a creative industry but i don’t know how to get there and when I see people enjoying there careers I feel very jealous indeed. Why are your 20s so hard lol
Kliyah – it’s normal, hon. It happens. It’s just information letting you know what you’d like to create in your life and you can. My 2 cents on manifesting what you want (the LOA) is inspired thought (your dream) + intelligent action is the formula. One without the other will fail. Put everything you’re jealous of on a vision board and know that you can manifest it. To get started in a creative field, GET IN, get in however you can: intern/assistant etc. Even if this means keep a bridge job. Relationships trump everything and you just need to start. If you’re diligent, reliable, and motivated to help others succeed, while you do, it will all come together and you’ll be on your way to a career you enjoy. You can have what you want <3
Love to you!
C
Thank you so so much
I feel jealousy at times when I see very happy couples. But I’ve not put any effort in manifesting my desired partner beyond writing a list of what I want in him. All my efforts all of my energy has been to manifest my career of service to others. I live exactly the life I have chosen and the life I want. I want to meet him.
Richard, my sweetheart, whomever ends up sharing a life with you will have won the lottery. You’re a treasure and maybe just letting your heart know that you’re ready–so it will open energetically–will do what you need. Your match is somewhere right now; he already exists and it’s now just a question of coming together. Be open, willing, receptive and know it. I know (see that presumptive close 😉 ) you’ll share with me when you meet him.
Big love to you,
C
I guess I am lucky to have realized this … as I can totally agree with all you say here. Thank you. I am hopeful to start my own business and. I am doing it based on the same principle.
Good for you Azadeh! I wish you every success and the tenacity to persevere in the challenging moments, they’ll pass.
<3
Like Elisabeth below, I too want to leave the practice of law. Paralegal here – tired of family law, tired of attorneys, tired of the drama and desperately wanting OUT. I envy you Cynthia! I want the freedom to sail my own ship and chart my own course. I’m eating potato chips like they are going out of existence, gaining weight, and bloated from all of the salt.
Trying to begin to write a book – one computer trouble after another – hopefully “Word” loaded into my computer so I can begin. The best I can presently do is tell myself this law firm is only a stepping stone – no permanency here.
I feel like the face behind bars, hands on the bars, screaming “Get me out of here!” Well the work day is beginning – staff is trailing in – another day. Legal research – re legally divorced – now wants an actual divorce…..
Feeling shackled……oh yes, and fat from my mass consumption of potatoe chips!
Kim, you know what you need to do. Start taking daily action. Get connected to the vision of you on the other side. The weight will go when you’re consumed by what you’re creating. Yes, this job is a bridge. Your real work commences when you get home. Here’s the intro to my 7 Steps to Manifesting Your Heart’s Desires audiobook http://bit.ly/187U7mP – you can get the whole thing in print on this page (if you don’t already have it) by clicking “free gift” above. The full audio book will be released for sale next month, but the print version is free and available now. It will get you on track to making the changes you need and sticking to them. Love and hugs to you. I can see you on the other side of this. <3
Thanks for your supportive response. It is hugely appreciated – After I posted yesterday I thought, “What a sour grape you are.” Then I went home for lunch and started writing my book, albeit it was only a paragraph, I felt much better. Book writing is a “Brave New World” for me; but all I ever hear is write, you are such a good writer. So here I am, writing, but publishing, blogs, and the like is totally foreign to me. I feel like I’m lost in a vast sea of unknowing just bobbing about – on the bright side – at least I’m floating and not sinking! Have a fabulous day and again, thanks for your time and energy! Love and hugs back! PS – Thanks for the link re 7 Steps…….
Congratulations! You’ve started and that’s 50% of the effort. As far as blogs and other stuff – just start that too. If you want some step by step guidance, I really like Michael Hyatt’s book/site http://www.michaelhyatt.com – He’ll show you how to start, what to do, what not to do. It’s clear and inexpensive. Even just reading his book, Platform, will put you years ahead.
Looking forward to your future 🙂
C
Oh my God – I just have to let you know Cynthia what a wonderful, wonderful, door you have opened for me. I went to the Michael Hyatt site and before anything else, I watched the video re the blind man and the significance of words. I cried, tears streaming down my face. THANK YOU so much Cynthia – what you simply shared powerfully hit straight to my heart and soul. I ordered his book and in the query box – How did you hear about me? – I typed your name. Someday you and I shall meet, I just know it. Have a great day Cynthia – sending love & light to you!
HA 🙂 I love it when that happens. Can’t wait to see your platform!
I love this blog Cynthia. I can relate!! I recently felt jealousy when some friends headed to Hawaii on vacation when all I got was a 5 day “staycation.” I shifted it by forgiving mySelf and having gratitude for all the blessings I do have.
You remind me to use this to “fuel” me into taking much needed action steps with my work and service in health, healing and spirituality. I am at a crossroads and often feel stuck, unsure of which road to take/where to place my energy.
Amen to us all!!!
Jan! How lovely to see you here. It’s so normal for stuff to come up, our wisdom is demonstrated by what we do with it. I think I would have felt the same way as you did when your friends went away and I would have handled it the same way too! Love to you and yes, more fuel. Love to you.
I needed to hear this today. I nee to learn the words….”not now” 🙂
Yes Marie! Every delay is not a denial. No very often means not yet <3
I listened to your intro audio re 7 steps to Manifesting Your Heart’s Desire – Great listening – very helpful to me – but I cannot figure out how to download the book. I’m prompted to sign in. but I am signed in as a member because I receive your e-mails. Am I missing something? Your life story is very interesting and I look forward to reading about.
I don’t know if it is simply in my head because I work in the legal industry – but us legal folks think differently – its a law thing for sure – but what and/or how you say what you say in very relate-able to me.
Have a great day!
OMG I Downloaded the book last night it’s amazing I hope you can read it too.
Hi Kim – you can’t get it that way because you’re already signed up and you likely missed the email when I sent it to the whole list. If you reply to any email from me and ask for the book, I’ll send it to you right away <3
My goal is to get into a respectable law school and to practice law in a major city.
🙂 I love the diversity represented here. Katie, you’ll find your way into law (while Kim and Elizabeth find their way out). A couple of things to consider when looking at law school instead of the tier rank:
1) How much student debt will you be left with;
2) What percentage of students are employed (at what income level) within a year of graduation.
3) Where do you want to live? (In Los Angeles, some of the best paid and reputed lawyers come from smaller local schools).
Good luck and I’m sure in no time you’ll be saying what the shirt I wore throughout law school said: “Law school, it seemed like a good idea at the time.” 😉 1L is tough!
Love to you,
C
I want to run a website full of things that encourage women and men to step away from lives that suck the joy and meaning from their lives and return to living – knowing how to provide for themselves, grow food, learn new skills by reaching out to those around them and so on. Also, I want to publish my writing at some point, when the time is right. I am launching my website sometime this week, despite people around me thinking it might not work!
YES!!!! While they’er thinking of all the reasons you can’t create this and make it great, you just get busy doing it. 🙂 You have the rest and the best of your life in front of you. You can do this. Believe in yourself and take consistent action. See you there 🙂
I want to have enough money to pay my bills, buy food, clothes and have some left over. I’m staying positive and focusing on achieving this.
This feeling crept up on me about my sister winning an award, my first thought Im not ashamed to say was to downplay her accomplishment. But Nay it was a big deal and it wasn’t that she didn’t deserve it, it was I WANTED an award! I explored why I was feeling this way and I am not out of the woods yet because I got distracted with something else, but I most certainly recognized that this thinking if left uncheck would not serve me in a way of growth. This article is definitely confirmation to get back in touch with WHY i feel/felt that way! Thank you Cynthia, Thank you Universe <3 #Wehavenotbecauseweasknot
I just simply love who you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and light with all your sisters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shiva
Thank you, Shiva <3
My goal is to have my online business and my sessions. My biggest dream is to have my enterprise, a great team of motivated passionate healers, along with our products of books, videos, and fun activities. Living freely, scheduling my own time. I feel trapped in the current position, and I can feel a fear feeling of oh,, whats new you gonna add? everyone has said what you want to say? There are a lot of models like that how you gonna make it? I want to kick these thoughts in the ass, get them out of my head…
There’s always room for excellence and service to others, Summer. Just DO what you want to do (step-by-step) and you’ll show your inner critic the truth.
I felt your comments were very healthy Cynthia and very accurate, jealousy is not to be avoided, I.stead it can motivate and inspire us, I believe jealousy can irk us at a time when perhaps our.motivation is.being sidetracked and we need to get I gear again, such as seeing someone else achieve what we have been putting off doing, when we are in a healthy state, we can recognise the push and then go for it ourselves, happiness is not just ours, but everyone’s, their happiness at achievement can often kickstaDr our happiness ess to achieve too, love and happiness to everyone xxxxxx have great day ladies and fellow sisters
Thank you Roxanne. When we know we can use our feelings for good it makes it so much easier 🙂