Even the most Pollyanna, enlightened or optimistic people feel unmotivated or pessimistic sometimes. They feel afraid, worried and irritated, too.
Today was a dark day for me, it felt like I was living underwater. I felt slow, dissatisfied and blue. Being well versed in the Universal and specific truths and techniques that help me climb back to sunny shores, I knew what to do, but I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to sit in my upset and let it have its way, so I did. It was ugly for a few minutes as every complaint residing in my mind took center stage. I watched and listened. Soon memory after memory of other dark days in my life came up, there are so many.
Then it hit me. All of that darkness was a vital part of my growth. It’s my frustration with what is that makes me reach for what I want to be. The prickly pain of wounds salted by toxic people taught me to release avoid them in the future. The heavy ache for the fulfillment of dreams has motivated me as much as the joyful vision of their attainment. Soul-crushing losses have shaken me awake and changed the lens I view life through from gray to color. My tears taught me compassion, my rage, to stand up for myself and others. Who would I be without these gifts?
Humans are always in process, always growing. At every level of growth, there is grief, discomfort, irritation and upset. Growth is messy, like all births. Even the germination of a seed involves violent destruction; the walls give way and its insides are twisted and thrown outward. One, unaware of the ensuing life, might mistake the seeds germination for its destruction. It’s the same for us.
Darkness precedes light.
So perfectly and beautifully written! How is that every single time I am facing or have faced a challenge, you seem to post exactly what I need. I had a day like this on Tuesday. I had something happen and pretty soon every negative thing that I could possibly conger up I did. Initially the beginning of the negativity was something relatively small, but the more I thought about it the bigger it got. I knew right then and there that I was traveling down a very dark road and for some reason I didn't want to let go of it. Past and present issues were eating at me and I just kept keep thinking of more negative things. I had absolutely zero desire to change my focus. I spent a very large part of the day dwelling on everything negative in my life and all the negative people that I "CHOSE" to surround myself with. Then after many hours of dwelling, I began to think about each and every negative thought that I was having. I began to realize that I was doing this to myself and that no matter what had taken place or who had hurt me…I was CHOOSING to let it affect me in this way. I now know how to rid myself of these feelings by working through them. I knew this. I then began to beat myself up over all of the negative feelings and thoughts that I was having. Pretty soon I had myself convinced that I was the most evil person ever. How could someone who is trying so hard to turn her life around and be the best person she can possibly be, have feelings like this. After beating myself up for many hours~I begin to realize~I am human~I am going to make mistakes~I am going to have bad days~I am going to throw myself pity parties from time to time. I remembered that each and every good or bad experience that I have had in my life has brought me to where I am at now. Each experience is helping me to become the person that I so desperately want to become. I also thought about something that I had read~"Be more patient with yourself. While we all have room to improve, we often forget how far we've come." I then slowing began to think about how much progress I have made and how much more I will continue to make~I then decided not to let this day define who I am or what I am working on. I also remembered an affirmation that I had memorized~"I remain in the present moment by being grateful for all of my life experiences." Though some of my experieces may not have been great ones~the more I learn to find something good about them, the better my life will be. I then began to feel a sense of peace in knowing that I was able to (once I made the decision/chose) to overcome these feeling and move forward. I did not have to remain stuck. I hope this makes sense.
It was just as I was reading this every single word you wrote fit me and my situation. Of course you are so much better at conveying your thoughts than I am, it was so helpful to read this~Thank you so much Cynthia for all of your willingness to be open, honest and real. Your sharing your experiences have helped me more than you can possibly ever know. You truy are a special lady! HUGS!
It seems that to be human is to have dark days and bright ones. We need the dark so that we know that we can always, always climb back into the light. One very wise woman told me many years ago that you are always going to have ups and downs, but neither will be consistant. And when those chatterbox voices come around, they don't stay quite so long because I realize that gratitude is just up ahead.
Elizabeth, I completely agree. Thank you so much for your comment. Today is another wonderful day.