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I’ve grown a lot this month. I’ve discovered something so monumentally life impeding that dealing with it forced me to examine some very dark moments and tender places. I’ve been navigating my life with blinders on. I fashioned them with the sound, logical intent of never again falling prey to a certain type of pain.Â
I shifted my entire persona to guard and defend against any circumstance remotely similar to the event that brought me to my knees. I am fierce, strong and powerfully capable. I master whatever I set my convictions to. Here, that wasn’t a good thing.
In my endeavor to build heavily fortified barriers to possible future pain, I walled myself into a place of constant vigilance, fear and preemptive annihilation of anything even hinting at a threat. I stopped risking, believing in possibility and being bold in this area. I stopped living.
As self-awareness dawned, I vacillated between the euphoric sense that, by letting go of my armor and defenses, I will live more fully and avail myself to wondrous experiences and the contrasting foreboding, nakedness of knowing that I am vulnerable– the ravaging terror that consumed me could come for me again.
In truth, the walls of defense did nothing to protect me from future harm, they merely robbed me of present joy. Our lessons are ours to learn and we will not escape them by avoiding life.Â
If we are not living bravely, boldly, and fully, we are guaranteed a life of mediocrity. There is no slower poison.  Â
Where have you walled life out? It’s time to bring the walls down.
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I truly admire your candor and way of expressing it. Your posts are an inspiration to everyone.
Wish you the best,
Steve Kaye
Thanks, Steve. It is always nice to know you’re here.
Cynthia
I really had to re-read your post a few times and really think about it. I have recently had an issue with my brother. We have not just a sibling relationship but a business relationship also. A 50/50 business relationship. I allowed him to make alot of important decisions that affected my family in a negative way. I was always trying to keep the peace, go along to get along. At the time I did not see the negative part of my passivity. Smile, nod and get along. Try to appease my family and my brother. Eventually everything blew up. All of the pretty little bridges I built between him and I —– I blew up. Also the pretty little bridges I had built with my family. My priorities became so clear. My power became so evident. I realized I had been compromising myself and my values everyday with my brother. I thought this was helping my family, keeping the peace. I had not been my true self with him for 18 years. I never contradicted a decision he made. I defended my brother to my family and my family to my brother. So I guess the barrier I had put up, the thing that would keep me "safe" was all around me. If I did not show him who I really was then he could not hurt me or my family. I did not see how it really was between us. He was happy and I was not. Since our "issue" a year ago I have never been happier. He doesn't like the way I am and I am okay with that. My family however has a new understanding of me. Maybe even a new respect. I am myself and I would not go back to being the "other Nicki" for anything.
Nicki:
Thank you for sharing your transformation. As I read it all I could think was, “Yes! This is what we (women) do!” One of our greatest talents is the ability to be the glue and hold things, people, situations together. At the same time, one of our greatest dangers is holding everything together, while we fall apart. The world, our families and even other women often encourage us to stay the course, telling us it’s okay to sacrifice ourselves indefinitely. It isn’t okay. I’m not saying we need to be callous and insensitive to the welfare of others, that isn’t necessary. We do, however need to be self protective, valuing and caring. Bravo, Nicki, you’ve received a treasure valuable and rare. I am thrilled for you.
Cynthia
"In truth, the walls of defense did nothing to protect me from future harm, they merely robbed me of present joy."
so true, so true!!!
Thanks, Heather. I appreciate you visiting and posting. I’m looking forward to your next posts.
Cynthia
thank you.
Bettina,
You’re such a sweet soul and I so appreciate every communication we have.
Cynthia
I read this over and over in the hope that my past will negate it's bad memories. It doesn't do that. However, it makes a strong case for the present, which we deny is "the future".
I can find no personal blog post as defining as 'Tearing the walls down'.
Thank you, Chris. I’m flattered.
Cynthia
Reading your posts are like looking in a mirror and seeing the reflection of my future self staring back. You are always a few paces ahead, making it a little less scary to walk through, but impossible to ignore. Thank you.
Jewels,
That’s such a huge role to live up to. I hope to sustain it.
Bless you my friend,
Cynthia
To fall victim to the idea that we must live live bravely, boldly and fully, is but to build another wall, that is, to think that you must live that way as though it is better than living in mediocrity. To think that you "ought" to live one way or another as though one way is better than another is a mistake. There is only what is, how it goes, and acceptance of that. You may be a master of your convictions but your convictions are not your own.
"A man can surely do what he wills to do, but cannot determine what he wills." – Arthur Schopenhauer
Hi Travis:
Suffice it to say, we disagree. Nonetheless, thank you for visiting and sharing your view.
Cynthia
this is the first time i read y0ur blog.its really inspirational
It is hard to break down that barrier, it takes courage to face up to it and put yourself out there again unprotected and defenseless after all the long hard work it took to build that wall of protection. I am happy that you have found a way to do that, and your breaking down your wall to live life with all your emotions open.
Wishing you the best of luck in maintaining the freedom you are feeling today 🙂
I needed to hear this today. This is my exact life ~ WOW
Tearing down the walls was a mirror held to my face -thank you so much!
Wooo Barb – that’s great! Here’s to you LIVING (me too)!
Love the post. I totally get it. Love the reminder and I completely enjoy each and every post from you. You write in a way that enables me to internalize the message being conveyed. Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you!
Hi Toni:
It’s wonderful to hear that you “completely get it” because until one reaches that point, change isn’t possible. Thank you for writing and being so kind.
The last three paragraphs say it all for me. Thanks.
Daniel:
This life thing takes quite a bit of bravery to make it worthwhile. I’m glad I’m not alone.
So powerful! When I read this I felt myself hold my breath for a minute. The world around me fell silent and I stepped off the carousel of my life to pause long enough to look deep within myself. Thank you so much for sharing, Cynthia!
Awesome! Thank you so much for sharing this with me.
This is all so true….hard to do though as you get slammed again…
Im still surrounded….how do I break free? Can tell others how …but can’t free myself…its a bitch!
The only real failure is staying down Laurie Lewitt Breiter. hugs to you Laurie.
Oh, thanks, but I don’t stay down at all.. but I just keep my my trust issues/barriers and watch/listen/learn…but I let down those barriers all the time and just continue to do what I do… dive right back in, it’s who I am…..working on a good balance..
I find that being smart with an open heart is the way for me. I’m proud of you for being so brave Laurie Lewitt Breiter 🙂
Roberta Doodlebugmagik Smart – the first step is awareness, the second is willingness to change – you’ve got both of those down, trust the process and stay awake to what you want. You can have it <3
Thanks, sometimes I’m too smart for my own good! Tough and no-nonsense type of gal, who “gets it”..and is quite savvy about it all…yes, being smart with an open heart is the way to go…
I could have written this about myself, too! Thanks Cynthia for sharing your story.
this is so, so true, have to share 🙂
It is good to receive a sincere reminder that we are always changing and open to greater learnings every day of our life. Even for the Cynthia Occelli’s of the world we are never at “the end.” What was good an appropriate behavior in a previous place no longer serves the same purpose today because we are different people on this day. With love and gratitude.