Ravished by change.
Last year, I was in a long term relationship with a very nice man, my mom was home and healthy, we lived in my dream home in Bel Air, California. I was writing and podcasting, caring for my family, studying neuro-oncology for ways to help my mom, and contemplating what to do about the emptiness inside of me.
An avid proponent of walking my talk, I meditated, practiced gratitude, and enjoyed the many treasures spread throughout my life. And still, in the quietest of moments before waking or falling asleep, I longed to feel more connected inside.
In my dreams, I started feeling a warm sensation, a loving presence, that momentarily soothed my aches and then left me longing for more. I termed it the whispers of an Eternal Beloved, an ethereal energy that swaddled me in tender love. Soon, the sensation would overtake me during waking hours too, while driving, shopping, or sitting with friends.It was as though something was reaching out to me, lovingly beckoning me to follow it, but I couldn’t quite understand it, or see it as more than an amorphous energy. This went on for months.
Finally, I asked the Universe for help. I asked for the expansion and realization of the blissful energy that had been pursuing me. I requested the highest good for myself and all involved, and I said I was willing to do my part in its manifestation, even if the process was difficult.
To stay focused, I embossed the words Eternal Beloved on a gold disc and wore it over my heart. Within a month, my life began to unravel.
My relationship of 12 years ended. For years, we’d lived in empty peace. I’d stayed way too long. My mother had a brain tumor recurrence and began the journey to the end of her life. I retreated to my best friend’s home in the midwest and, against all odds and intentions, fell in love.
As her health declined, my mom required 24 hour care. I moved her to an excellent care facility in a city filled with members of her family. There her needs are met and she receives several visitors a day. She’s on hospice now, and the times of being able to hear her voice or see her smile are over.
Enduring the loss of my relationship with my mother ravaged me through and through. I put my business on hold and did all I humanly could to save her. (I wrote about that here: When Free Will and Destiny Collide.) I grieve endlessly.
My dream home in Bel Air became the cold stage of a former life. Its majesty and beauty no longer inspired me. I put it on the market.
I’m in the midwest often now. I’ve found tremendous healing in nature, and in raising baby ducks.
And that loving, Eternal Beloved, sensation fills my life buffering the sadness and carrying me through the grief. I am again transformed.
The journey of the past 26 months, since my mother’s diagnosis, has taken so much. On balance, it’s taught me how to love, let go, and live on. As this chapter closes, I see myself returning to the world and sharing all I’ve learned.
Just not yet.