One of the most common questions I receive involves women settling for lackluster, or downright rotten, romantic relationships.
Why do so many women hold onto men who lie, cheat, mistreat, free-load, create misery, and/or over consume?
Is it because they “love” them? Not really.
In tolerating these behaviors, they aren’t loving these men, or themselves. Real love wants to see another (and oneself) live their best life. Enabling another to live less than that isn’t loving at all.
If you love a scoundrel, leave him and open the way for him to evolve, make better choices, or find another sucker.
Unfortunately, many adult women believe they must take whatever man they can get because they’re lucky to get anything at all.
Our society reinforces the idea that older, heavier, poorer, divorced (especially with children) women have little to no chance of finding a desirable man, falling in love, and having a lasting and happy relationship.
Countless women have bought into this false notion and, as a result, respond as though they’ve won the lottery when anything resembling a human male glances in their direction.
They stay in life-draining relationships believing that no one else will want them. Some even report that their current partner tells them the same.
The fear that one isn’t good enough is the single most harmful and pervasive human belief and it’s a lie.
You are good enough. Your behaviors and beliefs might not be. Thankfully, you have the power to change them.
I’ve connected with thousands of women from all over the world, and found droves of women with some or even all of the “afflictions” listed above who are attracting and enjoying lasting and loving relationships. I’ve attended their weddings and celebrations of love. I’ve witnessed them create happier and more fulfilling lives.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
If you want to make a room full of people like and remember you, be interested. Smile, be open and listen carefully to what people share. Ask questions and give feedback. People love to be known.
If you want to make men clamor to get your attention, be interesting.
What do men find interesting? (I’ve interviewed hundreds of men. This is a synthesis of their answers.)
A woman who is comfortable in her skin, has her own life, confidence, and interests. A woman who’s not obsessed over the brand of shoes she’s wearing or wanting, and one who’s willing to enjoy a great dinner together—not push a carrot around (nothing against carrots).
Her sexiest qualities: warmth, fun, happy inside, and receptive (not needy, or obsessive).
Find something that you’re passionate about (career, project, sport, hobby, etc.) and get active in it. Men tell me that it’s sexy to see a woman engrossed in something she loves. He imagines himself receiving that attention. They also tell me that a woman must be careful not to become too masculine inside the realm of love. Being in your power and your femininity are not mutually exclusive. Your femininity is incredibly powerful. Many men confess (privately so as to avoid being chastised by disagreeing women) they still want to be masculine in romance. They want to be wanted, yearned for, and allowed to do for you—let them. Of course, it’s critical that you’re able to take of yourself, but it is wonderful to let a man care for you, too. It feels wonderful and it makes life far more pleasant.
The Bottom-line
You don’t have to settle. You are not too old, heavy, poor, or fill-in-the-blank, to attract a great guy. Let go of life-draining, toxic men. You’re worth too much. It’s far better to be single.
Invest in yourself, love yourself, and fall in love with life—it’s the sexiest thing you can do.
Tell me ONE new way that you are going to invest in yourself? Let me know. I read all comments.
Wow that read was at the perfect time. I have had a massive crush on a man who has a girlfriend for teh past 6months, and have been making myself miserable. And the truth of the matter is,its because he has been the only man to give me attention in the past year. The fact that their are too many red flags, ie has a girlfriend,has been chasing me and giving me the attention, blowing hot and cold.. too name a few.. and the BIGGEST one ie he has a girlfriend already..
Thanks your right I have been putting myself down and thinking that I do not deserve any better.
NOW is the time for me to start investing in myself and putting myself on the throne 🙂
I have just begun investing in myself by taking up Belly dancing – i must say i would recommend it for anyone!!! it makes me feel more alive and comfortable in my body not to mention sexy 🙂 And i have just begun to study again for a career change. Im trying to treat myself more gently from now on
I am having a bilateral mastectomy on Tuesday. 3 days after my cancer diagnosis, my fiance left me, because it was all “too much for him to handle.” I am learning that it’s not my body that makes me whole, and it’s not another person. I am investing in life by going on adventures (hiking, concerts, travel), taking care of myself (exercising, eating right, meditating), and loving every moment of every day.
I had lung cancer and my bf did the same to me except he first abused me and treated me like shit starting one week after my thorocotomy. he couldnt handle my healing. Those guys dont deserve to be anywhere near survivors like us!! I wish you all the best!!
Thank you for sharing your story, DJ. Sometimes, it feels like I’m all alone in this, but then people like you share, and I know that it’s not my fault. <3
Watching you ladies share and support each other is beyond amazing. I’m with you too, believing in your healing, and sending you love.
Marta and DJ: sorry you had to got thought this but I’m of the belief when your life transitions (cancer) it’s to help your release what is toxic. The universe is always conspiring with us to heal and when something is life is toxic, the universe will provide what’s needed to be whole. Disease is this sense is a gift if you so chose to see it that way. Getting rid of these horrible men was needed. They prob contributed to the stressed that manifested your diseases.
Thank you, Jen. I agree. All things are a gift. For everything good or bad thing that happens there is a lesson. Some of those lessons are more difficult than others, but through this, I’m learning to love me.
I’m going to read you 🙂 and get that fab journal to docunent my biggest journey yet. Because I want it and no shabby half decent one will do.
Amazing post-thabk you!
Thank you, Anna <3
I would have to agree with everything that you said. I too fell victim to settling for less just so I wouldn’t be alone. And I don’t regret it, because each relationship taught me very valuable things about what I REALLY want in a relationship.
The great news is I found him. And you want to know how? By following my dream to be an artist! He is an artist also (dancer) and I am a painter. We met at a dance competition taking place in a gallery! (Tell me that’s not the universe putting all the right elements together!)
And he has been the most supportive person of my passions I have ever encountered! I can honestly say that we add to each other’s lives, whereas in my past I would accomodate everything about myself for what I thought would eventually make me happy.
What’s so perfect about all of it, is had I not had such a terrible experience in relationships, I wouldn’t have had the intense ambition to make a life for MYSELF. And Now I have a life of fulfilling my dreams and a man who supports all of that! 🙂
Thanks for the amazing article! This will really benefit some women who need to read this!