TRADING SHOULDS FOR WANTS
This is my THIRD return from an inner retreat in three years. First, it was mom’s illness. Then, her passing. Then, I jumped fully into the fire of remaking my life.
I grieved, took a break from my work, fell out of love, sold my home, fell in love, and set out on a traveling adventure with my new man (not in that order and with a whole bunch of other stuff).
I needed to do this. I needed to live every fearful, frustrating, and flutter-filled moment. I’d outworn my stay in my prior life and one of us was going down. If I’d stayed it would have been me.
Do you relate to this? Do you ever feel an incessant urging, like a weak infant hidden somewhere and crying for your attention? Or maybe yours shows up frustrated and pissed off that you’ve ignored her so completely.
Tolerating dissatisfaction with what you’re living is debilitating. Doing something about it is terrifying. It opens up a whole can of scary worms:
How can I afford it? How can leave without hurting them? What will my parents or children think of me? What if I fall flat on my face? What if I make colossal mistakes and end up broke, or worse, heartbroken? What if I regret it?
These questions could swirl around endlessly, long enough to keep you bound to an outgrown life, marriage, career, location, and social group, forever. Like until you die.
I come bearing news from the other side. It’s been difficult. Some things didn’t go as planned. Some things produced less than I wanted and others cost more than they should have. Goals took longer than they were supposed to; it was uncomfortable and uncertainty became normal. I’ve moved more in the past three years than in the prior twenty. Falling in love is amazing. Learning to integrate lives with another human is work.
Was listening to the gnawing ache in my soul worth it? Absolutely.
As I emerge from the chaos, I see the choices I’ve made settling into a new landscape. This world is mine. It’s filled with that long-missing feeling of excitement to live each day, my way. It’s magical and so basic. I do the work I want. I live where I want. I spent time with whom I want. I say what I want. I treat others the way I want to be treated.
How about you? Are you living your life the way you want? Let’s talk about it (if you want to of course).