To my male readers, please know that this post is not about you. I’ve talked with so many of you that I know you’re the kind of men my female readers need. (Hmmm there may be a idea there . . . )
Daily, I receive questions and horror stories from women about men who aren’t good for them. So many of us seem to think that we must take what we can get, because we’re lucky to get anything at all.
Relationships are a series of compromises, a mantra I repeat often, but compromise is not the acceptance of inexcusable traits, habits and behaviors from our partners. Society reinforces the idea that older, heavier, poorer, divorced (especially with children) women have little to no chance of finding a desirable man and falling into reciprocal love. Countless women have bought into this idea and, as a result, are conditioned to feel as though they’ve won the lottery when anything resembling a human male glances in their direction. It just isn’t true.
Women with some, or even all, of the traits listed above are finding lasting and loving relationships. I’ve attended their weddings (some choose not to marry, too) and watched as they’ve gone on to live joyfully.
Why then are so many women holding on to men who lie, cheat, mistreat, freeload, check out, make them miserable and/or over consume? Is it because they “love” them? No. They aren’t loving the man or themselves.
Real love wants to see another (and oneself) live their very best life. Love knows that enabling another to live less that that isn’t loving. If you love a scoundrel, leave him and open the way for him to evolve, make better choices or find another sucker.
The women who stay in life draining relationships say they feel as though no one else will want them. Some even note that their current partner tells them this. The fear that we are not good enough is the single most harmful and pervasive human belief and it’s a lie. You are good enough. Your beliefs and behaviors might not be. Thankfully, you have the power to change them.
If you want to make a room full of people like and remember you, be interested. Smile, be open and listen carefully to what people share. Ask questions and give feedback. People love to be known.
If you want to make men clamor to get your attention, be interesting. What do men find interesting? A woman who has her own life, agenda, confidence and interests. Find something that you are passionate about (career, project, sport, hobby, etc) and be active in it. Men tell me that it’s sexy to see a woman engrossed in something she loves. He imagines himself receiving that attention.
They also tell me that a woman must be careful not to become too masculine. Strong is fine, but bossy, dominant and competitive, not so much. The trick to attracting a substantive man is to be in your power and your femininity simultaneously. Many men still want to be men in the traditional sense. It is critical that you can take care of yourself, but it is wonderful to also be open to receiving care. All, but literally one man I’ve discussed this with, feel a tremendous sense of fulfillment by making you happy.
The upshot:
You are not too old, heavy, poor, or fill in the blank, to attract a good man. Let go of life draining men. Invest in yourself, it’s the sexiest thing to do. Be strong and capable, but be feminine. Don’t settle for less than a man worthy of you. There are a ton of great men out there. You’ll see them when you believe in them.
~ Cynthia
I'm finding this very interesting, as I interpret it into how it fits me as a man. Especially a man who has (perhaps) been making a mistake when I have thought, "I'm too old, feeble, and poor to find a 'healthy' (as opposed to active alcoholic, addict, crazy-lady, etc.) wife at this point in my life. And I could not support her even if I did find such a woman.
So… I might as well give up and stop looking.
…?
😀
Hi James,
You could choose to do that. You could also choose to use the same energy you used to write your comment to improve yourself and your life and THEN think about the wife part. The investment in self ALWAYS pays off.
Be well,
Cynthia
Thank you, Cynthia.
I understand and agree completely.
I have been working on that for the past couple of decades.
On the upside, I managed to raise my baby daughter by myself. Also, I no longer need to use a wheelchair more than a couple times a year. (When I try to do too much, and the MS neural fatigue kicks in.) I love to share what I have learned about Qigong with others, both in a couple of free groups that I teach each week, and as a part-time instructor in the Holistic Health department at the local college. I do a few other types of outreach as well, peer counselling and such.
I was just trying to point out that these sorts of limiting thoughts can affect a man as well. Although in our cases, it is more often that we perceive our limitations in terms of health and income, rather than the concerns you pointed out that are so common for women.
After my last marriage went downhill (14 years ago), the gentleman we went to for marital counselling finally suggested that I give up, get a divorce, and start going back to my codependency support groups.
While the symptoms for men and women may vary, I suspect the core issues are not so very different.
And yes, I did go back to my support groups with a whole new perspective. Oddly, while I am no longer falling in love with the types I used to fall for, they do seem to be the types whom I usually end up dating. At least now, I see the red flags after a few dates, and manage to keep things on a 'just friends' basis.
Still, I'm still fairly new at getting back into the whole 'dating' thing. After my last divorce, I chose to put things off until my daughter was grown and on her own. Since that just happened a couple years ago, I suppose I'm making reasonably good progress.
It is an ongoing process. I still go down the same old road, but now I realize it before I fall into the same old giant pothole. I look forward to finding that different, better road; sometime in the not so distant future.
Peace,
James
James,
I love your response. You’re what I mean when I say, “LIFE: It isn’t for the faint of heart.” It takes a strong, brave heart to press on, face the demons within, and resolve to be better. You’re there. From the inside it may all seem insignificant, but it’s tremendous.
I agree that the issues don’t differ all that much between men and women. The virus of not enoughness doesn’t discriminate. The manifestations differ, as you point out, and sometimes men are less willing or able to express it verbally. I wrote my post to the ladies because it’s the ladies who write so many letters about this, but the message goes as much to the men.
It is outstanding that you have done the work to see yourself and learn your patterns. This is the way to choosing and being better.
I wish you every good thing and I’m honored you shared here.
Bless you,
Cynthia
I agree with you 100 %. I have made a lot of bad choices when it comes to men and, had I learned that I was good enough, I never would have made them. I'm still working on getting rid of believes from a darker past, in order to face a brighter future. Not being good enough, was something that I learned as a child, but even for the kids that don't grow up in wierd families. The whole society is teaching girls from and early age that they gotta look a cirtain way for example and, it's getting to the point where there's a need for girls being tought that this is wrong in school. The media has way too much influence here. The earlier discussions come in to play about that the ideal that they're teaching is definitely unhelthy and, impossible to obtain without self-starvation and, tons of make-up, the better.
Dear Sleepless:
I completely agree. It seems to be such a massive problem that we can’t impact, but as with all gargantuan problems ever remedied it starts with a few. We have the power each day to turn away from the media, to promote a different message, one of wholeness and character. We, by our very lives, can be the change. We must.
Be well,
Cynthia
Love to read anything & everything you write. You have helped me so much! Thank you & keep the information coming.
That’s very kind of you to say, Sha. Thank you.
Cynthia
Dearest Cynthia,
You are very wise for your age. Everything you say is true. I was in a long term relationship and he left our family for someone else. So actually I was forced into finally finding myself. To think that I would have settled and stayed?! That was over 20 years ago. You see, I was raised to believe that I was not worthy unless I had a successful husband, etc. Women from that generation stayed, because they had no other choice. I am now a happy 62 year young, and I'm still single. Why? Because I have alot to offer in a relationship, and I haven't found a partner who is willing to grow and is worthy of me. Most important, I hope I have become a good example to my children … especially my daughters.
Eleonorma, You are a positive example for all, not just your daughters. The world needs to see others living out these important truths in order to believe it’s possible. I’d love to hear more from you as I am writing a book about reclaiming womanhood after the necessary, but costly, feminist revolution. You seem to have gotten it right.
Here’s to you receiving your mirror!
Bless you,
Cynthia
How many PEOPLE are just crusing thru life with boring jobs, careers, Love lives and the list goes on. The passionate ones grab the gusto in life and the rest grab the mondain. "oh there just like me" is the common term for love and "exception" that Ive ever heard. Put up or shut up? A little harsh but to the point here. Grab the passionate side of your life while displaying your (or Asking) for your true desires is here for the taking. ASK!!!
I found you today via FB and am so glad i did. I’m finally ready to lay down the shame of being an unwed single mother. I’m done believing that there's not a man who can love me as well as love my son as his own. I’m gettin my mojo going again and plan on definitely meeting and being in love with a man who is smart, passionate, strong, loving and supportive of both of us. He will set an excellent example of what a man is for my son and we're going to make a great team! I’ve never shared that before but its time…and after all it is the truth. Thanks for everything!
Hello Jennifer!
You are my favorite type of comment to receive. I was all that you describe with even more difficulty. Every single word you wrote came true for me. It all began with my decision to be the best I could be, to remove myself from everyone and everything that stood in the way, to trust that the universe conspires to help those who help themselves and to go toward my fears. Within a few years, I’d transcended every obstacle romantic, financial, social and educational. I tell you my story only to offer you proof that it happens and you can do it, too.
Please stay in touch.
Cynthia
Thank you again Cynthia. Change your thinking, change your world. I will soon be 40 this March. The last couple of days i’ve been feeling a little awkward. Now, don’t get me wrong…my glass is normally half way full, but the past couple of days…let’s just say a little water evaporated!!! lol….I’ve been reading your post, and you are sooooo on time. Thank you for you sound energy and advice. You are a blessing love!!! Should you come to Atlanta, please feel free to send me a message…the least I can do is take you out to lunch/dinner. If you are feeding all of us with your wisdom and energy, who is feeding you? Of course God…but you know what I mean…smile…One good turn deserves another….Blessings.xoxoxoxo Alberia
Alberia – THANK YOU. You are very, very kind. Age is only relevant if you measure yourself by it. Let your inner light tell you what you are. You will be child, elder, princess and queen sometimes within an hour. Take the wisdom of age, the innocence and hope of youth and the timelessness of the love and beauty that created you. This is your age. Let’s practice:
How old are you? Old enough to know what I want and young enough to get it.
No seriously what age are you? The perfect one.
🙂
Happy Birthday and I hope to see you in Atlanta!
Cynthia
Dear Cynthia, Well the universe has led me once again to another powerful woman. I am a 59 year old woman who is starting to date after getting out of an 8 year abusive marriage. I met a man and have gone on three dates so far. I so want to do this different. i have been living my life, letting him pursue me and when I am with him my heart just melts. I really like him and want to bring love into my life. Can you advise if not calling him is the right thing to do.
blessings June
June,
My dear sweet lady, do not call him unless you want to be the laboring oar for the entirety of your relationship. If he’s not willing to do the work of pursuing you now, he won’t be later. Go slow and let him make or break himself.
Sorry hun, you’ll thank me later.
<3
Cynthia