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Sometimes we end up in situations with people who say and do things that, if taken personally, hurt or upset us. Coworkers, family members, customers, pseudo-friends and people in illusory positions of superiority (teachers, judges, bosses etc.) are the usual sources.
Recently, a very gifted woman wrote to me and shared a humiliating experience. She’s a waitress and while at work, she overheard a mother admonish her child not to ever become a lowly food server like her.
We all seek to live at a level of self-worth that allows events like these to just roll off of our backs, but sometimes they don’t and the resulting emotional upset can send us spiraling.
A conscious outsider can usually, with enough information, look at an offending person and see how they became the way they are. People who behave in toxic and destructive ways are always living in reaction to their wounds and/or the belief that their worth is conditioned on things or status. They are driven by their inner inferiority, self-loathing, and desperate attempts to feel adequate. The most basic way to temporarily soothe the searing pain of fear and unworthiness is to tear someone else down.
Knowing this can often help a victim of venomous actions stay centered and take nothing personally. Yet, it can be difficult to call up this understanding when you’re shaken.
The next time that one unreachable person starts putting their toxic sludge on you:
Imagine that you’re visiting them in an insane asylum. If an insane person told you horrible things about you, you wouldn’t take it seriously or personally. You would know that they are wounded and unwell. You’d feel compassion for them and your main desire would be for them to heal.
People who are healthy and whole inside do not harm others. You are not the source of their reason to harm; they are living the results of their lives and the meanings they’ve ascribed to their life’s events.
Wounded people wound. It has nothing to do with you.
The next time you sense a toxic interaction developing, know that you’re visiting the wounded.
You may decide that hanging out in the mental ward is not something you want to do a lot of and that’s probably a pretty smart decision. Bless them, help if you can (without harming yourself) and move on.
~ Cynthia
Cynthia, I like this post. Sadly, I know people who WOULD get offended by something weird that a certified mental patient said about them. I’m not making light of mental patients or mental illness, but there are as many of them outside the mental ward as are inside the mental ward.
~ Carl
Cynthia, I like this post. Sadly, I know people who WOULD get offended by something weird that a certified mental patient said about them. I’m not making light of mental patients or mental illness, but there are as many of them outside the mental ward as are inside the mental ward.
~ Carl
a good viewpoint, right when I can use it~thanks!
a good viewpoint, right when I can use it~thanks!
You are always right on time with your words. Thank you!
You are always right on time with your words. Thank you!
interesting technique lady … Next question how to identify when you’re behaving like a “toxic” person? I find that on occasions by the time I realize my actions aren’t mine or I’ve spewed some verbal diahrea it’s too late … then I have to eat crow and own up for my actions … it would be easier to head it off before I’m at the eating crow stage 😉 lol
interesting technique lady … Next question how to identify when you’re behaving like a “toxic” person? I find that on occasions by the time I realize my actions aren’t mine or I’ve spewed some verbal diahrea it’s too late … then I have to eat crow and own up for my actions … it would be easier to head it off before I’m at the eating crow stage 😉 lol
Wow. Did I need this today! You always speak to what I need to hear. Again, thank you.
Wow. Did I need this today! You always speak to what I need to hear. Again, thank you.
What kind of individual would consider another individual to be a “toxic” person?
What kind of individual would consider another individual to be a “toxic” person?
Don Gander – if you feel better making the distinction and calling it “people who behave in a toxic manner” by all means. The intention is not to shame, it is to help others cope with life’s challenging situations. You will see what you choose to see.
Don Gander – if you feel better making the distinction and calling it “people who behave in a toxic manner” by all means. The intention is not to shame, it is to help others cope with life’s challenging situations. You will see what you choose to see.
Carol Stapleton – We all take our turn in the ward 🙂 We all have times when we were raw, could have done better or were unconscious. Becoming more self aware, standing in other’s shoes and thinking before we speak helps A LOT. Also, working on ourselves: healing, forgiving, accepting our right to live the way we want to helps a great deal, too. And then there are times that we just mess up. In those situations taking responsibility when we recognize our toxic behavior, making amends or remedying it to the best of our ability, learning the lesson, and forgiving ourselves is the solution. No one is perfect and the same detachment and compassion we give to the “insane” we must give to ourselves. Love to you!
Thank you so much for the phase ‘We all take our turn in the ward.’ I have spent years trying to forgive myself for behaving very badly in my first marrige – I can’t take back the hurt I caused; but if I understand it as part of a broken part of myself that needed healing …
Carol Stapleton – We all take our turn in the ward 🙂 We all have times when we were raw, could have done better or were unconscious. Becoming more self aware, standing in other’s shoes and thinking before we speak helps A LOT. Also, working on ourselves: healing, forgiving, accepting our right to live the way we want to helps a great deal, too. And then there are times that we just mess up. In those situations taking responsibility when we recognize our toxic behavior, making amends or remedying it to the best of our ability, learning the lesson, and forgiving ourselves is the solution. No one is perfect and the same detachment and compassion we give to the “insane” we must give to ourselves. Love to you!
Cynthia,
I am currently dealing with a situation much as the one that you described. This person said some extremely cruel and hurtful things to me about 2 months ago. In my entire life I have never encountered such blatant rudeness. For the first time in my life I did not respond~I did not apologize for doing what I felt was right. I did not apologize for being me. I didn’t cry and beg for forgiveness for something I never did. However, since that time she has made my life very uncomfortable. She has convinced others that Ahe is the victim. However they know who she is and just go along with it to avoid any upset. Playing like nothing has happened
Cynthia,
I am currently dealing with a situation much as the one that you described. This person said some extremely cruel and hurtful things to me about 2 months ago. In my entire life I have never encountered such blatant rudeness. For the first time in my life I did not respond~I did not apologize for doing what I felt was right. I did not apologize for being me. I didn’t cry and beg for forgiveness for something I never did. However, since that time she has made my life very uncomfortable. She has convinced others that Ahe is the victim. However they know who she is and just go along with it to avoid any upset. Playing like nothing has happened
Never apologizing, and being rude to me. I have held my own, but am now feeling somewhat alienated by events that take place. I no longer feel comfortable in my living situation-and have been told to just ignore and forget about all that she did and Said. I was told that maybe I am the “toxic” person. As I am not apologizing and allowing myself to live in unforgiveness. The fact is that I believe I am owed an apology for the humiliation that she caused me. I don’t hate her, but at the same time I don’t want her to be a part of my life. Is that wrong? Am I being a toxic person? Should I let it go an continue to put up with the disrespect?
Forgiveness will free you. You forgive because you would want forgiveness if you hurt someone. Doing the right thing is always right. Sometimes doors are closed to those around us to protect us. Sometimes distance between us and those we love is just what is needed. This is a learning and growing experience for you. All you can do is pray and know that all things will be worked out for your good.
Never apologizing, and being rude to me. I have held my own, but am now feeling somewhat alienated by events that take place. I no longer feel comfortable in my living situation-and have been told to just ignore and forget about all that she did and Said. I was told that maybe I am the “toxic” person. As I am not apologizing and allowing myself to live in unforgiveness. The fact is that I believe I am owed an apology for the humiliation that she caused me. I don’t hate her, but at the same time I don’t want her to be a part of my life. Is that wrong? Am I being a toxic person? Should I let it go an continue to put up with the disrespect?
Ok, Cynthia lol I love this 🙂 And I laughed the whole way through, bless them 😉 I’m tired of the ward lol HA