Do you say yes to requests you’d rather decline or, worse, cause you upset, discomfort, financial or emotional harm?

If you do, you’re a one in a vast group of people (women and men, but more women than men) who struggle with setting boundaries.

Many people feel uncomfortable setting boundaries and/or saying no; they want to be liked and worry that a refusal to grant another’s wish will result in negative opinions from others. What they fail to recognize is that betraying oneself causes the only type of negative opinion that matter: negative self opinion.

When you meet someone who is happily in control of their commitments, joyfully agreeing to the things they choose and graciously declining unwanted requests, what do you think of them?

I tend to respect and admire them for living on purpose. I also feel comfort and ease because I know that when they do say yes, I can count on them to show up eager and content.

I have less confidence in someone who goes against their own desires. I reason that one who turns on themselves will have no problem turning on me.

If you’ve struggled with setting boundaries, you can choose to end that era, now. You can choose to love, honor and support yourself. How you choose to treat yourself teaches others how to treat you.  

Setting boundaries does not mean being rude, selfish or a jerk. It is a generous skill that results in less stress, increased happiness and more time for the people and interests that matter most to you.

The next time someone:

• asks to stay at your house
• wants you to pick them up from ____________
• desires $___ (btw never make a loan, make it a secret gift, if you can’t gift it, don’t loan it)
• calls you incessantly
• attempts to guilt you into _______________
• badgers you for ______________________
• solicits for the greatest cause ever
• wants you to buy _____________
• knocks on your door
• asks for your _________________

(you get the idea) and you don’t want to do, give or hear it, first tell yourself: It is okay to say no. Next, kindly, firmly, using as few words as possible, and little to no explanation, decline the request, set a boundary, or if you want to, offer what you are willing to do.

If it makes it easier to say no, use words like unable or can’t or say you have other plans.  If you’re a stickler for precision, silently finish your boundary setting sentence with the truth: I’m unable to let you stay at my house (without feeling unhappy with myself).

Imagine all of the things you could enjoy, accomplish or avoid, if you said no when you wanted. Begin today.

Cynthia