I used to be poor—my bank balance had little to do with it. I was soul-poor. I saw the world as a place of lack and unfairness. I constructed a whole story around it.
This was my story:
I’m broke. I don’t have money, talents, opportunities, people to help me, or hope. I’ve suffered much more bad luck than other people, too. It’s not fair. The deck is stacked against me. On top of all of that, I’m black. I have a child. I’m a drop-out. I’m on welfare. I am a victim. If only life would stop mistreating me, I could get out of this and do better, but it’s no use.
“If only someone would help me,” was my mantra, “but people don’t care about me. They’re greedy and selfish.”
One divine day, I shared my story with a lady in line at the grocery store. She gave me a smackdown that altered the course of my life.
She wasn’t moved by my plight. She couldn’t see my story. Instead, she saw a capable woman who’d tethered herself to a life of subsistence and waiting for someone to save her.
“Ditch the story and excuses,” she said, “Instead of demanding more from life, demand more of yourself. You can have anything you want, anything, but don’t expect others to bend so you can have it. Life doesn’t owe you anything and if it gave you what you want without you stretching, working, and reaching for it, you wouldn’t be able to handle it anyway. There’s nothing wrong with life, the problem is inside of you. Stop telling yourself how bad you have it, how unfair life is, and how you can’t do anything about it. Start figuring out how to get where you want to go and don’t expect anyone to make it easy for you. Rise up and change your story.”
I was stunned by her audaciousness and gall. I labeled her an insensitive b*tch and did my best to forget her, but I couldn’t escape her. I constantly heard her words in my mind. I had dreams about her. I even avoided the supermarket I’d met her at, which only served to remind me of her each time I went grocery shopping.
As I calmed down enough to see what she’d given me, I hated her less. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the seeds she’d planted inside of me. Today, I love her.
She was right. If I was ever going to be the strong, empowered, successful woman I wanted to be, I would have to start behaving like one. It wasn’t just going to happen to me and no one else could give that to me.
I took responsibility for myself, my finances, my future, and my story.
I learned to question every assumption and hold it up to a truth test: Would every person in this situation have a negative outcome? If the answer was no, which it virtually always was, then I needed to take action to create the best outcome possible.Â
I stopped blaming, making excuses, and complaining and started focusing on what I could do to make my life better. I quit spending time with victims and commiserating company. I changed the way I handled money, too. Instead of asking for a hardship discount, I sought out the best values and deals. I started speaking, thinking, and behaving as though I was an up-and-coming success who just had to bridge the gap between here and there.
Eventually, my new story became my reality.
The lady in the grocery store was right, life didn’t owe me anything, but when I changed my story and came to my own rescue, life gave me everything.
Try it yourself. Leave me a comment and tell me one thing that you’re going to change about your story.
Hi Stephanie – all of the links I can find work. Can you tell me where you tried? Thank you so much for looking out and letting me know. I so appreciate it.
Cynthia
Hi Cynthia, one thing I am changing about my story is that because I am not typical for my industry and focus on empowering beauty within and without, that is what makes me different. Being different is great, where once it was something to be changed.
Meg, I LOVE this because, in my view, it’s one of the things we and the world need the most. Shine on 🙂
I live in a foreign country, sometimes it’s really hard for me! I miss a lot the sound of my country, the people are loud, so friendly, they dance everywhere everytime (kids learn to walk and then immediately to dance), I’m a latin woman in an European country :).
But I dance anyway, my kitchen is my “dance floor” and my two daughters and I we dance everyday!!! And… I practice Zumba als well.
I would really change my situation, have more joy, sometimes I’m kind of sad when I think of all things I lose because I live so far away from my family and friends in my country. Thanks Cynthia for all you share!
Riti – Your writing makes me long for Latin countries and I’m German-born! Dance on sister. I hope you have a very good reason for not living where you love.
Hi Cynthia, it was long before I ‘met’ you, Cynthia, when I took a piece of paper and wrote my story of a happy, loved and enlightened woman I wanted to be. This was my vision of whom I wanted to become. Back than I was sad, unhappy, getting divorce, living alone in a foreign country..I was a mess inside. Still, I refer to my envelope once in a while and I can see that I made some progress, but I am far away from what I envisioned 5 years ago. I ask myself why? The answer which I come up with has to do a lot with believing. Yes, it takes a courage to write on a piece of paper that I want to create a space for family, friends and new friends filled with love, joy and gratitude, but to believe that this is really going to happen is a different story. I am learning as we speak, that receiving for what we ask for means that we have to become in every present moment of life exactly this – love, joy and gratitude. I must say I am not there yet, because I had to investigate what was (and is) stopping me from receiving my gift. I had learnt that I am my own enemy. Today, I thank you for sharing the story with the ‘audacious store lady,’ I can see how she planted the seeds which later unfolded to become the light of consciousness. Thank you, Cynthia, and thank you ‘lovely store lady.’
Luiza,It’s a path that reveals itself when we see it. I know that sounds crazy, but it happens like this. I have full faith and confidence in you and see you as already there. Love to you.
Love to you. Thank you.
Hi Cynthia, thank you again for sharing this story. It is very powerful. You wrote that you learnt to question every assumption and ‘hold it up to a truth test.’ Could you give a couple of examples how you do that? I think that knowing how to do that would be an intelligent lesson for many (I am in this crowd). Thank you in advance. Luiza
“It’s a path that reveals itself when we see it.”…
Highly insightful, and I’d like to add that while sometimes the initial turning points and transitions we imagine for ourselves simply serve as the platform for the unfolding that comes later. Having a starting point for – and putting “one foot in front of the other” – is the catalyst that allows all of life’s blessings and triumphs to unfold.
Thank you for sharing your empowering story!
( empoweredwomanawake @empoweredwoma on Twitter )
Hello Cynthia, I tend to look at life the same as you did. I lost many things in this life and made many mistakes which has created a lot of hardship for me and my family.
But, if I am to ever get those things back I need to stop looking at life in that manner immediately.
Dear M., The wonderful thing about taking responsibility for where you are is that you also take control over changing it. I am very happy for you.
What a gift that woman gave you! What a gift for you to share it. <3
Thank you, Robin, for pulling the memory and the message out of me. You were so right! I love you.
This is so true! I wish everyone out there would read this article. Thank you for this powerful insight.
Thank you Steve. It really was one of the best things to ever happen to me and everyone who really “gets” it will see a profound change in their lives. I appreciate you.
Love,
C
Cynthia,
Thank you for posting this. I myself am not in a place I wish to be, I turn things around blaming people around me for lack of love and care…It is time for me to take responsibility for my life and change things that I don’t like. And every time I fall in the victim mode ask myself if it is really true.
Love to you Jenya. I believe in the highest and greatest expression of you. Wherever you are in your process know that all of the best is a real possibility and choice for you. Make that choice. <3
This is another inspiring post Cynthia – thank you! I am happy to share that I have made some big breakthroughs and I’m changing my story in many ways.
“I AM the strong, empowered, SUCCESSFUL woman I have always wanted to be.” “I AM sharing my gifts and talents with others in joyful ways while being abundantly reimbursed!”
I really look forward to your Beautiful Life School! Much love to you.
<3 Love and gratitude, Jan <3
Thank you Cynthia! Recently I realized that even I was tired of hearing my ‘story’…and I am sure my friends were tired of it too. It dawned on me that I was tethered to the problem and holding the other person hostage, blaming them for the circumstance. I woke up and realized that in order to move on I had to change my thinking, change my mind. I forgave the other person and I forgave myself…and now I feel free. Free to create the present and future that is wonderful, beautiful, inspired, abundant, complete, whole and I am the creator!
Power – this is wonderful! I want to speak to the moments when it seems like it’s all for not and as though you were foolish to think outside of your old story. This is the habitual throwback that comes to everyone who’s making a change. Watch it, don’t believe it. Love yourself and trust that the doubt will dissipate like a storm. Love to you.
I appreciate your story as you lend hope and show how we can change our lives. I too have rewritten my story and find it necessary to make an adjustment. Today, I deal with health issues that impact my quality of life with what seems to be limited resources to obtain help. So, I need to reprogram. Today, I see my self living an abundant and prosperous life where I am healthy, vibrant and have many options for medical support.
I stand with you holding this vision Risa <3
Dear Cynthia, they way I want to change my story is by being the author! Writing of great journey with purpose and truth, love and kindness, abundance and graditude – living my ultimate dream! Thank you for awakening this within me..X
My dear E, the day I became a writer was the day I DECIDED to be one. I had nothing published, but I was actively writing. I called myself an author and became one. <3
I am going to quit telling a story of being broke, underemployed, and doomed to stay stuck in a dead-end job. 🙂
I support you in being well supplied, in a career you love, and a life that feeds your deepest desires, C. Camp <3
I changed my story. I left an emotionally abusive marriage. I stopped letting myself be a victim. He was awful and I enabled him by staying. When I left, the awfulness stopped. It wasn’t easy but it was necessary.
Teu, you are a champion and I admire you.
Hello, I’m changing my story to – “I’m living my divine assignment. The universe supports me exquisitely! My living my best life only adds to the world.” Also for the month of November, I’m seeing my glass as half full.
And so it is! : )
After reading this, I realize I see my self as a victim. Like some one owes me something. Or I should get a badge for the things I gave been through. So. Stop playing three and tape. Re write and leave out stuff that don’t matter. Stuff I defined my self by.
You get to change this! It’s all up to you. No one else can keep you from it or do it for you. Love to you.
Plot Twist!
I’m going to stay in FAITH and take at least one step every day to grow my business!
I changed my story. I was jobless, on food stamps, in an atrocious marriage and pregnant and raising a two year old. Today I’m happy, finishing nursing school in May, and in my way to following my dream to become a midwife. I’ve also recently met the man of my dreams. We all have that woman in the grocery store…it’s a matter of if we accept her as an angel or deny her and create another false oppressor. Aamin!
Talia, what an incredible story. Thank you for sharing it. The world needs to hear from people like you. Love, Cynthia
Old story: my immediate family has chosen to have nothing to do with me. New story: So many wonderful people cross my path everyday: in person, online and in many surprising ways. It is astounding how deeply I am loved and cared about.
My life change has been an ongoing process. The one thing I’m doing now is taking complete ownership, 100% of my life and self ‘as is’ and giving myself compassion and the love of discipline that will shape my life into what I’ve always known it can be. This will keep me focused and guard against the many distractions that I’ve allowed to keep me off track. I get to be ME fully and completely and see what I accomplish when I stop trying to be normal.
Life is so short. Tell the people that mean something to you that you love them often :O) Also you , and you alone are in control of your life so if you don’t like something change it. For me it was getting rid of negative hurtful people in my life. That is sometimes hard especially when its family. However, you are in control of how much time you spend with them and you can leave when chose too ;O)
Hello, Cynthia! Thank you for allowing me to share this with you. One thing I’m going to change about my story is being noncommittal. I realize its a defense mechanism. I want to tear that wall down.
Thank you for opening up to me. You’re making a great decision. Walls don’t really protect us, they just block our present good. Love to you. C
Hi Cynthia. I am working on changing my story however I have severe limitations due to debilitating health challenges. I am working on recovering from a severe adrenal crisis that had me hospitalized and dealing with a diagnosis of Addison’s disease. At this time it is extremely difficult to even leave the house. I do have the desire to make major changes in my life but with this illness I feel stuck and trapped. What can I do to change my story? Thank you.
Hi Jillian, Thank you for writing and please know that health issues call for compassion and understanding, as well as great care, from yourself and others. It’s not simply about changing your story. It’s about giving yourself all you need, mentally, physically, medically, emotionally, and spiritually, to improve the quality of your days and support healing. A subtle shift that may support you, that is a form of changing your story, is to change your target in your mind. If the target/goal/focus in your intention is to NOT BE SICK, your focus is still on being sick. A change to being as well as you can be may shift some of your thinking. The most important thing is to not beat yourself up, or think that somehow you attracted illness, this only weakens you. If you can, see a good psychotherapist to get some help feeling unstuck. Also, you can message me on facebook and I’ll invite you to our private group where you can connect with Stacey Robbins, the author of http://www.amazon.com/Youre-Not-Crazy-And-Alone/dp/0615912761. She has a lot to share about adrenal and auto-immune challenges. Big love to you and hope to hear from you.
Thank you for this.
When my husband of 20 years moved out of our family home and abandoned me and our two daughters on so many levels, I put this on my notebook calendar that I carry around daily:
Thank you, Divine Love, for putting me in places and with people where I can do highest good for all.
This reminds me to trust that I don’t see the whole picture and that even though I find myself in a place of not knowing and uncertainty about so many things, I am not alone and I am loved and supported and can make a difference for myself and others. In the last 8 months I have been consistently surrounded by loving people, rich learning, opportunities…heartache too, for sure, but heartache that softens me and helps me surrender over and over again.
So even the idea of being abandoned is shifting into seeing it as a necessary doorway to finally being my own person of love and light and healing and my hope is to share at some point. A gift, actually, this act of his leaving.
Renata, this brings me such joy and I so admire your empowered choices. Bless it all. Yes, it was a gift. He had to go so that you could come <3
I has to be my negative mindset
Thank you Cynthia, for writing this article. I so enjoyed it. For me, it sparked a moment of awareness. A little over 2 years ago, I was recently divorced after a 20 year marriage, with 5 children, lost our beautiful home, living in a single wide mobile older than I am, with less money than I’d ever had before, no credit and a job that covered half my monthly expenses. I was consumed with anger and resentment as I watched my ex ride off into the sunset with all the best of what we spent 20 years creating, being handed over to someone else who hadn’t earned it. I felt disenfranchised and cheated on every level.
Today, everything is different! I chose to make the little things important – to find joy in the song of a Robin, the scent of a flower, of a hug from a child. Remembering that I chose to step out of a marriage that was built on a foundation and mutual desire for the acquisition of security and things – because I wanted life to be real, and most importantly I wanted to give my children a better example. That life is about happiness. It’s not about what sort of car you drive, or your address.
I’ve discovered that the best type of parenting is by example. Everything I see in my children’s lives that is out of harmony, I look at my own, see where that issue lives, make my own adjustments and shockingly soon, I see a shift in my children. The best sermon is when not a word is spoken. The greatest gift I can give my children is to learn how to be happy in any situation. That requires me to model it for them.
A few weeks ago my Mom came to visit. She paid me one of the highest compliments. She said that I was happy, for the first time in my 40 years of living, my mother said she could see I was finally happy!
It wasn’t the $750k home I’d had, or the two $65k cars in the driveway, it wasn’t financial security, or the loving husband, it wasn’t society’s acceptance, it wasn’t my children’s respect. None of that made me happy. Once I lost all of that, and I realized none of that really worked, I found happiness.
Happiness is an inside job as they say, it’s a choice, it’s a muscle, it’s a commitment. Just as you say in your article that you have to change your story for your life to change, so it is with happiness. Being human we seem to love to focus on the negative, but that’s a choice – one that leaves us with more of what we are focusing on!
The last two years of my life have been about retraining, focusing on the sweetness in life, giving to others, finding satisfaction in sharing, and being so grateful for the generosity of the universe in bringing me everything I need. Every bill has been paid, every need has been met. We live in a nicer home, and miracles abound in our lives. My favorite saying is – “Life is good!”
Rama – What a gorgeous story of growth and true empowerment. I admire you.
I feel like my wife gave me a loving smackdown yesterday. We’ve been together 18 years and while I’ve done a lot of healing around my childhood issues, there’s still a sticky residue I’ve been holding onto that periodically creeps up and causes us problems. I felt SO alone as a child and didn’t have anyone to talk to or healthy ways to deal with the chaotic trauma I went through. I also became really angry and resentful that all the adults in my life were checked out. That became my reason to never let anyone too close and I didn’t feel like I ever learned how to trust someone with my heart. I’m currently doing some work with my story which is helping, but realizing how much this is still blocking me from receiving love is like a kick in the pants that I’ve needed. I’m trying to find a balance between loving that inner little girl and compassionately reminding her we’re not 7 years old anymore. We’ve got power, choices and more control over our lives. Your work checks the important boxes for me. Working with our feminine energy and allowing instead of forcing. Thank you! 🙂
Jennifer, please take a look at The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love. It might really support you. <3